Change

           There has been a small gap betwen postings, but fear not! Due to vast amounts of free time and my regular distain towards the incompatance of socity i decided to put blog production into high gear. So sit back, relax and dont take offence to some of the highly offensive things im bound to write about. Actully scratch that, by all means i encourage you to be offended.... this is amuse me greatly, just remember to post angery comments and make yourself sound like a real whack job haha ya that would be fine, just fine.
           I have much to update since i last wrote on here. When i went back and read my first postings i got that feeling of your stomic twisting in a knot, that feeling you get when your reminded about something particularly upsetting. For me this feeling was brought on because i was reminded of the point in time when i had met my now ex boyfriend/fiance and our love was fresh new and the best thing.... yada yada bullshit ect. At 23 I hold only 3 long-term relationships under my belt. Each of them was more intense then the last each more complex. But when i look back on the most recent relationship i am taken back by just how complex it was, and why despite opurtunitys to get out of it and occations where we could have walk away and been done with it we always came back together to keep the relationship aflot.
      Its taken allot of self reflection to see the whole picture that is 2 years of on again off again love. And i still think i have much to learn about why things happened the way they did. I know this much for certain, I have never loved anyone more then i loved my ex no matter what happened or how badly i may have been hurt by his words or actions the intense love i had for him never weaken. And i don't think you can go through the intense emotional strain that we both endured throughout our time together unless you share a bond that goes beoyed your run of the mill romance.
      I would always blame myself for every problem that occurred in our relationship and yes i can say i made plenty of mistakes, but now i finally see that i was not entirely to blame, and that i stood by and apologized for what i saw was my failures all the while i was being hurt, lied to and cheated on. I knew this was happening, but id dare not risk upsetting the person whom without my day would cease to exists. Sounds stupid i know but its true, for those who have been there you know the agony of losing someone you care and love so much that not having them in your life physically hurts.
    At the time that my “fiance” decided he was done with me since i had already been replaced, i was standing in the lobby of Toronto General Hospital, the news i received 5 minutes prior to be told by the person i thought my future was with, the person whom i was about to need to lean on for support that he hated me and had been cheating on me. I was told that my mother had died, so just like that in one day in one hour my entire life was shattered. I wanted to be with him in his arms i wanted to be told it would be okay. But instead i had a crowded Gerrard streetcar and a feeling that i cant begin to describe.
    I wanted to go see my mom i wanted her support after losing the person i loved she would be the only one who could make me feel better, but no.... i found myself at what felt like complete isolation. I just needed to be held but from that day forward i was put in a position where being sad had to be pushed aside to make room for a drastic alteration in everything i knew as familiar.
      I can say that there has not been a day gone by yet where i have not cried, or wished i could open my eyes in bed and see his familiar face, or pick up the phone and hear her voice. 2010 was suppose to be a good year, one filled with marriage and joy and a new home with the man of my dreams, so far this has been some freakish nightmare i wish to god would end.