I was trying to figure out how i felt about everything that has happened in my life in the last little while. The problem is i have been so over whelmed by everything that has happened i haven't had the time nor will to analyze it all. The most prevalent emotion i have been consumed with is sadness. I lost (although be it through different means) two people who held the most important positions in my life and whom i loved and relied upon for support and guidance.
My mothers death was expected, but no amount of expectation or preparation could eliminate the pain of a loss that great entirely. My former partner leaving me was a shock so large i found myself nearly shutting down entirely.
I had gone though many issues betwen us in the past, but we were suppose to be engaged, and i thought if i knew anything i knew that no matter what former partner would always be there for me, even if for whatever reason we were not together he would never leave me in a time of need. But there i found myself wanting to lean on someone who was not there, he would not even speak to me.
Thats when i got confused and not able to understand where i stood in my own mind. I dont know where to go, how to get there or why i should even bother. I have always been able to push myself to get though something, always had the power to grab myself shake myself and get back on track . Maybe not the same track as before but at least it was a track. This time i dont even know where the hell the track went. I miss my mother and my former partner and myself allot. but only one of those 3 people is ever going to help me.
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I personally think it is fantastic that 4 billion dollars was removed from funding transit expansion..... because you know having to pass up 4 subway trains just to get on one where you can fit in the doors is just lovely.
Consider this if you will... during rush hour the subway runs 1 six car train every 2 to 3 min. Each train holds at full capacity 1000 passengers. How the hell can you ignore that kind of passenger volume.
Unlike those places you see where passengers pile onto the roof of the bus a subways roof clearance does not accommodate for such inventive seating, although it is a solution for dealing with those rude pricks who rush into the train before people exit, or those retards to hold to doors open for their buddy, and lets not leave out the ghetto tactless fucktard playing their horrible music made even worse because its blasting out of their trashed LG cell phones speaker.
I had a bad ttc day.... does it show?
Consider this if you will... during rush hour the subway runs 1 six car train every 2 to 3 min. Each train holds at full capacity 1000 passengers. How the hell can you ignore that kind of passenger volume.
Unlike those places you see where passengers pile onto the roof of the bus a subways roof clearance does not accommodate for such inventive seating, although it is a solution for dealing with those rude pricks who rush into the train before people exit, or those retards to hold to doors open for their buddy, and lets not leave out the ghetto tactless fucktard playing their horrible music made even worse because its blasting out of their trashed LG cell phones speaker.
I had a bad ttc day.... does it show?
Change
There has been a small gap betwen postings, but fear not! Due to vast amounts of free time and my regular distain towards the incompatance of socity i decided to put blog production into high gear. So sit back, relax and dont take offence to some of the highly offensive things im bound to write about. Actully scratch that, by all means i encourage you to be offended.... this is amuse me greatly, just remember to post angery comments and make yourself sound like a real whack job haha ya that would be fine, just fine.
I have much to update since i last wrote on here. When i went back and read my first postings i got that feeling of your stomic twisting in a knot, that feeling you get when your reminded about something particularly upsetting. For me this feeling was brought on because i was reminded of the point in time when i had met my now ex boyfriend/fiance and our love was fresh new and the best thing.... yada yada bullshit ect. At 23 I hold only 3 long-term relationships under my belt. Each of them was more intense then the last each more complex. But when i look back on the most recent relationship i am taken back by just how complex it was, and why despite opurtunitys to get out of it and occations where we could have walk away and been done with it we always came back together to keep the relationship aflot.
Its taken allot of self reflection to see the whole picture that is 2 years of on again off again love. And i still think i have much to learn about why things happened the way they did. I know this much for certain, I have never loved anyone more then i loved my ex no matter what happened or how badly i may have been hurt by his words or actions the intense love i had for him never weaken. And i don't think you can go through the intense emotional strain that we both endured throughout our time together unless you share a bond that goes beoyed your run of the mill romance.
I would always blame myself for every problem that occurred in our relationship and yes i can say i made plenty of mistakes, but now i finally see that i was not entirely to blame, and that i stood by and apologized for what i saw was my failures all the while i was being hurt, lied to and cheated on. I knew this was happening, but id dare not risk upsetting the person whom without my day would cease to exists. Sounds stupid i know but its true, for those who have been there you know the agony of losing someone you care and love so much that not having them in your life physically hurts.
At the time that my “fiance” decided he was done with me since i had already been replaced, i was standing in the lobby of Toronto General Hospital, the news i received 5 minutes prior to be told by the person i thought my future was with, the person whom i was about to need to lean on for support that he hated me and had been cheating on me. I was told that my mother had died, so just like that in one day in one hour my entire life was shattered. I wanted to be with him in his arms i wanted to be told it would be okay. But instead i had a crowded Gerrard streetcar and a feeling that i cant begin to describe.
I wanted to go see my mom i wanted her support after losing the person i loved she would be the only one who could make me feel better, but no.... i found myself at what felt like complete isolation. I just needed to be held but from that day forward i was put in a position where being sad had to be pushed aside to make room for a drastic alteration in everything i knew as familiar.
I can say that there has not been a day gone by yet where i have not cried, or wished i could open my eyes in bed and see his familiar face, or pick up the phone and hear her voice. 2010 was suppose to be a good year, one filled with marriage and joy and a new home with the man of my dreams, so far this has been some freakish nightmare i wish to god would end.
I have much to update since i last wrote on here. When i went back and read my first postings i got that feeling of your stomic twisting in a knot, that feeling you get when your reminded about something particularly upsetting. For me this feeling was brought on because i was reminded of the point in time when i had met my now ex boyfriend/fiance and our love was fresh new and the best thing.... yada yada bullshit ect. At 23 I hold only 3 long-term relationships under my belt. Each of them was more intense then the last each more complex. But when i look back on the most recent relationship i am taken back by just how complex it was, and why despite opurtunitys to get out of it and occations where we could have walk away and been done with it we always came back together to keep the relationship aflot.
Its taken allot of self reflection to see the whole picture that is 2 years of on again off again love. And i still think i have much to learn about why things happened the way they did. I know this much for certain, I have never loved anyone more then i loved my ex no matter what happened or how badly i may have been hurt by his words or actions the intense love i had for him never weaken. And i don't think you can go through the intense emotional strain that we both endured throughout our time together unless you share a bond that goes beoyed your run of the mill romance.
I would always blame myself for every problem that occurred in our relationship and yes i can say i made plenty of mistakes, but now i finally see that i was not entirely to blame, and that i stood by and apologized for what i saw was my failures all the while i was being hurt, lied to and cheated on. I knew this was happening, but id dare not risk upsetting the person whom without my day would cease to exists. Sounds stupid i know but its true, for those who have been there you know the agony of losing someone you care and love so much that not having them in your life physically hurts.
At the time that my “fiance” decided he was done with me since i had already been replaced, i was standing in the lobby of Toronto General Hospital, the news i received 5 minutes prior to be told by the person i thought my future was with, the person whom i was about to need to lean on for support that he hated me and had been cheating on me. I was told that my mother had died, so just like that in one day in one hour my entire life was shattered. I wanted to be with him in his arms i wanted to be told it would be okay. But instead i had a crowded Gerrard streetcar and a feeling that i cant begin to describe.
I wanted to go see my mom i wanted her support after losing the person i loved she would be the only one who could make me feel better, but no.... i found myself at what felt like complete isolation. I just needed to be held but from that day forward i was put in a position where being sad had to be pushed aside to make room for a drastic alteration in everything i knew as familiar.
I can say that there has not been a day gone by yet where i have not cried, or wished i could open my eyes in bed and see his familiar face, or pick up the phone and hear her voice. 2010 was suppose to be a good year, one filled with marriage and joy and a new home with the man of my dreams, so far this has been some freakish nightmare i wish to god would end.
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